My hijab became the most
significantly important article of clothing and element of my deen
(religion) in my life.
To put things in perspective, my
birthday is on July 10th.
I started wearing the hijab
about a month after I turned 13, right before I started 8th grade. I started
wearing the hijab in a moment of spontaneity. Looking back, I don't
think I was prepared for what it meant or what it would mean to me in the
future.
I was born in a Muslim family, and
understood my obligations and responsibilities. However, I also lived in a
community where my family is the only Muslim family in the area. At home, I was
Muslim. At school, and practically everywhere else, I was just any other
American. My friends, peers and teachers couldn't even tell what my background
was, until they saw my mom who wore the headscarf and covered.
I was, and still am, never ashamed of
my parents or family. I was an independent, feisty child growing up and still
kissed my parents on both cheeks and hugged my parents publicly all the way through
high school and into college. I wasn't popular at school or well known (before
my hijab) but I was pretty active and a hardworking, straight A student.
Basically, I wasn't the girl that everyone watched constantly nor was I ever
ignored or bullied. I just did my own thing... until September 11, 2001.
Like every American who is old enough
to remember the exact events of 9/11, that morning is captured vividly in my
mind.
While getting dressed, our home phone
rang. It was my dad's brothers from Palestine. My mom and I stood around my
father, in our pristinely organized townhouse living room. My dad's family only
called from overseas on Eid (holiday) or in tragedy. My uncle's words
were rushed and scared as he asked my dad repeatedly if he and his family were
okay and safe.
"We don't live in New York. We
live on the other side of the country... Wait, hold on, let me turn on the
news. I can't understand you." My dad’s voice boomed into the telephone receiver.
Horror filled the screen. I had never
heard the word Muslim said in such anger. Nothing made sense but I knew my
religion well enough to not be able to wrap my head around the scene. I had
attended Islamic school every Saturday at the Islamic Center of San Diego for
as long as I could remember. I clearly understood the difference between halal
(permissible) and haraam (forbidden).
The images couldn't be real. I live in
the United States, the safest place on the earth. I was terrified. My hands
shook as I ran upstairs to fix my hijab. I was going to be late for
school. It was my last year of middle school and I wasn't going to mess up my
clean record.
I opened the door so that I could wait
for my dad in the car.
"No! Close the door. You will not
go out dressed like that!" My mom pulled me back from the door, yet the
door still hung open.
"But I'm late, yalla (come
on)!"
"Take off your hijab,
now." She ordered.
I felt as if someone had knocked the
wind out of me. Instantly, I found it hard to breath. I was so confused. My
mom, the woman standing in front of me who wore the scarf when she was 19,
despite sneers from her family, friends, and professors, wanted me to remove my
hijab. After a moment, I finally found my voice and it came back
stronger that I thought it would.
"You're joking right? She's
kidding right." I looked to my dad for confirmation.
"Your mom is right. I don't think
you understand how tense the situation is right now." The news still
played in the background.
"Ok," I looked at my mom.
"If you take off your hijab, I'll take off mine." I knew her
answer.
"You know I can't. I have worn
this for years. It's dangerous for you! You're still young! You have plenty of
time to wear it! You can't leave this house with it on!"
"I will not take it off. Allah
will protect me." I think my parents were shocked at my response. I had
used a strong argument in our religion, tawakul (to place complete faith
or confidence in Allah swt).
My dad turned to my mom, "Let her
keep it on. InshaAllah, she will be okay. Tonight we will all sit down
as a family and discuss this. This is her decision."
I hugged my mom and left realizing the
fear in her and feeling her intensified heart beats.
As my dad talked on in the car of
taking care of myself and going to an adult if I felt I was in danger, I was
too busy finally letting the situation sink in. When had I become this person?
Was this considered a higher level of religiosity? Am I, what they call now,
conservative? I knew how tough it was to go to school on regular days with the hijab.
I could take it off. I could put it back on after high school even. I could
have a normal high school experience, where students didn't look at me weird
and teachers weren't scared of having me as a student. Where people didn't
think it offended me if they asked abut my background and why I wore the piece
of cloth on my head. I was sure of one thing, if I took it off, I might have
never worn it again. I had nothing to apologize for. Muslims were among those
whose lives were also taken. There were Muslims working in the World Trade
Center, Muslim firefighters, Muslim doctors and medical responders on the scene,
Muslim Americans were just like anyone else in United States.
School was a blur. I could feel the
hot and humid September air get cold as I walked through campus. The looks I
was getting. The whispers that no one was pretending to hide. I expected the worst.
"Haneen!" I turned to find
one of the most popular boys in school approaching. I had known him all through
middle school and sat next to him in all our classes because of our last names.
I tensed up.
"How are you?" He walked up
to me in a hurry.
"Um, good-"
"If anyone tries to hurt you or
says anything stupid to you, seriously anything, let me know right away and I’ll
kick their a** for you, okay?"
Taken back, I smiled, "Yea,
thanks. Seriously."
He smiled, "People are stupid.
They don't know what's going on. Fear, you know. We're going to be late for
class."
My teachers checked in on me. My
principal called me into his office to make sure I wasn't being bullied or
attacked. My counselor told me her door was always open. My friends stayed near
but that didn't stop the quiet remarks and looks from students I had known
since first grade. I HAVEN'T CHANGED! I wanted to yell. It was my first day
with hijab at HMS all over again. Except this time, I saw more than
confusion. I saw fear, hatred, generalizations and misunderstanding.
At home, I got calls from family
members from all over.
"Don't be stupid. Take off your
hijab. You're too young! What are you trying to prove??? You will get
hurt!"
The list goes on. Everyone's concerns
became one. I was more worried about the talk I would have with my parents.
Very simply, my dad asked me why I
chose to wear the scarf, warned me of the new intense consequences, and asked
me if I was ready. It's my choice, I told him. I have not taken it off and will
never take it off. My decision is mine and stands firm.
I was always known as the sweet, ultra
quiet, hardworking student. The hijab brought out another side of my
character. I became known as the confident, out spoken, highly involved in
extra curricular clubs and activities, determined student. As the only Muslim
at my high school, my name was known by everyone. I was very noticeable and
knew that I was judged for every word and action I took. I took it upon myself
to prove the ignorant, negative, racist views of Fox news- that started to
shape American views of Muslims- as wrong. I educated myself on the Quran and hadiths
(sayings) of the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH – peace be upon him) so that I was
prepared for any question. If I couldn't answer, I continued to research.
I wish I could say that the hate has
softened but just as racism still exists in America, Islamophobia has risen.
It's really in the hands of Muslims and the educated, intelligent proud
Americans to have forward conversations with others and eliminate ignorance and
misconceptions.
Five years later, on my way to my
first MSA (Muslim Student Association) UCSD bonfire, my new friend Noha -
surprised at finding how early I began to wear the hijab - asked how I
felt, especially since I had chosen to live on-campus and not with the MSA
sisters in their off-campus apartments. I told her I loved my hijab. It
is the first way I choose to define myself. I smiled as I realized that in
Noha's car was the first time I felt calm and at ease with my hijab on.
There was always that bit of doubt in high school but I knew that it was an
order from God that I was ready to obey. I was 100% sure that it was my hijab
that kept me safe and confident to be who I am and serve Allah swt in
the best way possible. It had taken me 5 years to come to a full state of
acceptance for the action I took when I was 13.
I'm not perfect. That would defeat the
purpose of a human being. I still have so much to learn about my beautiful
religion. The challenges and struggles that I am faced with daily keep my life
interesting. I wouldn't be me without it.
To top off this incredibly long post (inshaAllah
the rest won't be as heavy in material), these are a few links of how Muslim
American lives have been affected since 9/11. I hope you take the time to check
them out.
The Unwritten Codes Muslims Live by
After 9/11
http://www.baycitizen.org/blogs/Generation-911/unwritten-codes-muslims-9-11/
For Muslim family, faith
complicates grief for loved one lost on 9/11
http://www.cnn.com/2011/US/08/29/911.muslim.widow/index.html?hpt=hp_c1
My Take: Muslims should stop
apologizing for 9/11 (Opinion piece)
http://religion.blogs.cnn.com/2011/09/07/my-take-muslims-should-stop-apologizing-about-911/
CAIR '9/11 Happened to Us All' PSA,
Firefighter (60-Second)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mU5W-iUv8fg
CAIR '9/11 Happened to Us All' PSA,
Medical responder (30-Second)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lVtup1bB7aM&feature=relmfu
Despite the heightened obstacles that
Muslims, and especially hijabis, face each year around 9/11, my younger
cousin, Rawan - who I consider to be my little sister and best friend - just
boarded her flight from San Francisco heading to Beirut inshaAllah. She
will be spending 3 months studying abroad and experiencing life in Beirut,
Lebanon and getting the opportunity to visit Palestine inshaAllah. I am
so incredibly proud of her! She is a beautiful, confident Muslimah who is set
out to change the world for the better. I love her for the sake of Allah swt.
May Allah swt bless her travels and make them beneficial for her.
As my friends so perfectly put it:
Today is in remembrance of the fallen
9/11 victims as well as the Muslims, South Asians, Arabs, and others in the
U.S. who were murdered, beaten, discriminated against, illegally detained, deported
& subjected to racial profiling, and humiliation that came with the
"War on Terror". R.I.P. to the 2,976 American people that lost their
lives on 9/11; R.I.P. to the 48,644 Afghan and 1,690,903 Iraqi people that paid
the ultimate price for a crime they didn't commit; R.I.P. to every single
American soldier who has given his/her life to defend our country and its
freedoms & the hundreds of thousands of Palestinians who experience this
everyday.
Peace,
Hanoon
