Asalaamu Alaikum,
I’ve been struggling to write a blog
post for the past two weeks. I would have just posted a story I have written,
but it didn’t feel right taking a break from my blog for two weeks in a row.
I’ve been in quite a… not sure if I have the right word to convey how I’m
feeling, so let’s just say funk… I’ve been in a weird funk lately. I find
myself experiencing much more downs than ups and my usually optimistic take on
life has taken a hit.
They say practice what you preach, so
I haven’t spoken to anyone lately. Staying in my own secluded bubble.
Before any of you optimists begin to
prepare your responses to employ your wisdom of why I should always see the
beauty in life and wah wah wah… It will probably start to sound Charlie
Brownish to me. I’m not depressed. I’m also not a pessimist. I’m just being
realistic with what stands in front of me at the moment. I have a lot to do, a
certain amount of time to do it in, and I have yet to find the best way to accomplish
what needs to be done. Cryptic much? This isn’t a post directed at anyone
specific. This is one of those posts where I needed to put down a bit of my
jumbled thoughts out there into the world and let it be. This is how I deal
with the craziness in my life. Some of you walk it off. I write it out.
The reality is that I know exactly
what’s making me feel this way. I know why I haven’t been able to multitask
with my to-do lists. I know what I need to do. I’m still stuck. I’m at a point
in my life that a lot of you in my situation (mid-twenties, unemployed, and
unattached to anyone) are experiencing. I’m in limbo.
During limbo, we may reach a few
different levels of insanity and anxiety about our future. Me? I think I’m just
angry… At myself. Putting aside my insomnia, many of us, like myself, get to a
point where we stay up all night or wake up early in the morning unable to
actually get out of bed and stare up at the ceiling thinking, “What the hell is
the purpose of my life? What was the purpose of EVERYTHING I have done to get
to this point in my life? Why haven’t I painted my ceiling so that I would have
something interesting to look at during all the times I spend staring at it?” All
very reasonable questions.
This past year has been filled with
many deaths of people that I know and people related to those I know and care
about. Last night I attended an azzah (gathering to express condolences to the
family of a loved one who has passed away) for the mother of a friend I love
very dearly for the sake of Allah swt. My friend is not only my sister in
Islam, but also a role model with her humble and bright personality and
strength in deen (faith). Her mother was visiting her sister in another state for
Eid and passed away on Monday from a car accident. While my friend’s aunt
lived, having suffered only a broken leg, her mother passed away. Hearing of
this death led to a thought-provoking conversation between another dear friend
and I.
Nothing is certain except for death.
Allah swt tells us in the Quran that everyone will taste death. This is the
reality for all of us. Death is inevitable.
“Every soul
will taste death, and you will only be given your [full] compensation on the
Day of Resurrection. So he who is drawn away from the Fire and admitted to
Paradise has attained [his desire]. And what is the life of this world except
the enjoyment of delusion.”
Quran, Surat
Ali Imran, 3:185
If this is the case, if as Muslims we
believe that before we are even born, our destiny is written with the exact
moment that God will take our soul back to Him; if the afterlife and Janaat
(heaven) is our true destination, then why live? Why put so much effort into
our lives? What is the purpose?
As Muslims, we forget that our purpose
in life is to serve Allah swt. We forget that this life is just the road,
journey, to the most beautiful destination. We forget that even if this is the
case, Allah swt asks of us to balance our faith with the pleasures of this
life. We must continue to gain education, love for his sake, and enjoy this
life in the best of ways.
I live by
these words and hold it as my motto to life:
“Live in
this world as if you were going to live forever; prepare for the next world
(Hereafter) as if you were going to die tomorrow.”
Prophet
Muhammad, peace be upon him
Even if you are not Muslim, regardless
of what you believe in, you know that not only will you not be able to escape
death, but that our time in this life is limited. We must make the best use of
our time. We must live it to the fullest with the awareness that it can be
taken away from us at any moment.
We can’t stop living.
“Life is
rich as we fill it with the things beautiful to remember.”
Goethe
Life is challenging, but also filled
with love, beauty, and adventure. One of the greatest blessings that Allah swt
has given us is the ability to forget and move on. In Islam, when a death
occurs, even if it may be a loved one – a parent, child, significant other – we
must grieve, show emotion, shed tears and remember the beauty they brought to
our world, but we must not get caught up in a cycle of despair. We must not
inflict self harm. We continue living. Grieve for those first three days. Lock
yourself away and allow yourself to pray and reflect on life and death. In the
end, we must move on. We carry our loved ones in our heart always, but we must
live our life to the fullest and make dua’ (supplication) and pray that God
will join us with our loved ones once again in heaven.
When my friend put that question out
there: what am I doing with my life? I pondered the same question. All those
years of exhaustion and overwhelming all-nighters – were those straight A’s
from first grade through high school necessary? Was it a waste of my time to
get involved with all those clubs and student government in high school? All
those AP courses, were they worth it? What made me think that spending my days
hauled up in the basement of Geisel library at UCSD with nothing but my
studies and crushing stress would amount to anything? Why was I so invested in
the MSA and SJP at UCSD and what on Earth compelled me to take on board
positions in the organizations that stole every free moment of my time and not
to mention affected my GPA? Were all those silent tears and stress induced
three months of the flu and bronchitis over school during my last year at UCSD needed?
The sleepless nights at UCSD and AULA, where did they get me?
The reality is, that’s life. Life is
about the hardships and challenges that strengthen our determination and aim to
accomplish our greatest adventures… Right?
Now, I sit here gulping down my iced
coffee with a monstrous loan to pay off from graduate school looming over my
head, the fear of forever being unemployed and my novels never being published,
and being stuck in the same city I was born and raised in. All those dreams and
goals of traveling the world with my DSLR, paper, and a pen, can I still
believe in it? My biggest fear of all: will I ever reach the point of being
able give back to my parents at least a sliver of everything they have done for
me? All this passion and effort, will I taste its honey before I die? I million
more fears and questions spiraled out of control in my head.
I look back and realize that I regret
nothing that brought me to where I am today. Everything happens for a reason.
Living in the worries of our past will never do you any good.
"Finish
every day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and
absurdities no doubt have crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is
a new day; begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be cumbered
with your old nonsense. This day is all that is good and fair. It is too dear,
with its hopes and invitations, to waste a moment on yesterdays."
Ralph
Waldo Emerson
I answered her bluntly and confidently
with the first answer that came to mind (this is directly from the online chat
we had):
Allahu
A3lam (only God knows) what may happen but I know I need to make the best use
of my time now for the sake of Allah swt because I don't know when He will ask
my soul to return to Him.
I focus on
my family, my writing, finding a job to be there for my family and to work for
the sake of Allah swt; those are my priorities long before planning my life
with aspects that society believes will provide happiness but may not happen...
like marriage that keeps being shoved in my face.
Life is
too short to expect happiness to come later and sit there waiting for it to
appear.
Life is short, but each one of us is
given the exact amount of time needed to fulfill our purpose. I know it’s hard
to believe, but I must have faith. Not just tawakul (trust) in Allah’s plan for
me, but faith in my ambitions and all aspects that make my life so wonderful.
“If we had
no winter, the spring would not be so pleasant; if we did not taste adversity,
prosperity would not be so welcome.”
Anne
Bradstreet
I had the beautiful pleasure of
spending time with my mama and sister over brunch on Tuesday. While I would
like to describe to you the delicious place we tried out that infused chocolate
into every single menu item – yes, every single item had chocolate, vanilla
bean, or caramel – I’ll spare you the details for another time. (San Diegans,
check out Eclipse Chocolate! Trust this coming from a person who doesn’t care
for chocolate.)
I’m not sure what we were discussing
before I expressed to my mom that life is short. I can’t live by what society
tells me my life should look like. With all that this world has to offer, how
can I assume that life is to be lived and experienced in only one way. No one can
determine my happiness for me. No one has the right to tell me or coerce me
to assume that’s if I don’t carry a certain money-filled carrier, marry at a
certain age to a specific type of man, and have a family that this will
complete my happiness.
I put out there what may be the
scariest words a parent wants to hear, or maybe anyone for that matter: what if
God hasn’t written for me to live comfortably, marry and have children? What if
I’m meant to live my life seeking knowledge and adventure? What if all I have
to look forward to is the fruit of my writing being given to the world? What if
I’m meant to bring entertaining education through my writing to present Islam
and Muslims in the beautiful light that it deserves? Should I then assume that
I will never find my happiness? NO! That is my happiness. My happiness is
whatever I want it to be. I don’t know what Allah swt has written for me. I
don’t know what awaits me in the future or how long I have to live, but I know
that I must live in the now.
What I also know is that I will never
settle for less than what I deserve. This is something that I promised myself
as a child and it is a promise that will go unbroken.
“This was another of our fears: that Life wouldn't turn out to be like
Literature.”
Julian Barnes
Unlike literature, we write our own
stories. We are responsible for our own happiness and finding the life that
survives the harsh winter conditions.
I believe that my purpose in life is
to serve Allah swt. This is what makes me happy. I serve Him in more than just
through remembrance, prayer, dua’, reading the Quran, and being the best Muslim
through my speech and actions. I serve Him in my hunger for devouring knowledge
and passion for finding peace in my writing. I serve Him in finding the beauty
He has blessed in this life and this world. Beauty is not one for all; it is
not black and white. We all know by now that beauty is truly in the eye of the
beholder.
Those of you who know me well, already
know that when I am at my lowest point, I find myself at the ocean. That is
beauty. I can stare at the expanse of Allah’s blessing for hours. I find it
incredible that so much life exists in the water, life that is continuously
being discovered by humans. Still, there is so much that exists in the unknown.
We are but a speck in this vast universe. We must live and learn.
“You can’t
stop the waves, but you can learn to surf.”
Jon
Kabat-Zinn
When we find ourselves being pulled
one way or another, threatening to drown, we learn to pull ourselves out of the
water and breathe.
Find your own space to think, breathe,
and continue living – even if it's climbing to the top of the highest
mountain and screaming until your lungs are dry. Perhaps it’s spending time in
your kitchen cooking a delectable meal for your family. It may simply be to
wrap yourself in a fuzzy, warm blanket with a hot drink and music or a book to
enjoy. Let out all that energy. Let out all your fears. Remember your
blessings. Find your purpose in life, what makes you smile. Live.
For all of you out there who are
sharing the twenty-fifth year of their life with me, or are experiencing their
mid-twenties:
"You’ll
be fine. You’re 25. Feeling unsure and lost is part of your path. Don’t avoid
it. See what those feelings are showing you and use it. Take a breath. You’ll
be okay. Even if you don’t feel okay all the time."
Louis CK
To end my
stream of thoughts, I am reminded of the words written by a brother in Islam I
dearly respected. He passed away from a sudden and unexpected heart attack
before his twenty-first birthday and a little over two months before his
graduation from UCSD last March.
“"For
some of us the flames of hope are merely candles; small dots of light in what
appears to be an eternally dark night, and yet everyday my candle will flicker,
and the voices of my mind will again begin to bicker. But the voice of the
divine light will shine through:
'Look up to
the sky... Just look up to the sky...'
And so I look
up to the sky, and even though I can't see the sun...
I know its
there."
Alireza
Moaddel
May you live your life to the fullest and find a purpose and happiness in this
world.
Salaam,
Hanoon
Hanoon
